Boundaries! Emotional Boundaries
We have covered mental and physical boundaries thus far in the series. Today we arrive at emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries address the invisible line that distinguishes our feelings and internal experiences from the feelings and experiences of those around us. They help us understand how much emotional energy that we are willing to share and even receive to ensure that we don’t get lost in others’ emotional worlds. Simply stated emotional boundaries help protect our inner peace and emotional stamina and allow us to take responsibility for our own feelings.
My Feelings - Your Feelings
At the core of our emotional boundaries is our ability to recognize that we are not our environment or someone else’s feelings. These boundaries are what allow us to acknowledge that another person may be happy, excited, angry, sad, anxious, mad, etc. without taking these emotions into your own experience and nervous system. Now just for fun let’s introduce a bit of biology in this context. Mirror neurons are specialized brain cells that fire in two different scenarios (Cook et al., 2014). The first is when we perform an action and the second is when we observe the same action performed by another person. This is why they are called mirror neurons because they serve as a neural “mirror” of observed behavior. These neurons are found in the premotor and parietal cortex and facilitate learning via imitation, understanding the intentions of others, and contributing to empathy by mapping the actions we observe onto our own motor systems (Acharya & Shukla, 2012). These neurons are extremely important and useful. Though we must be aware that, while we have great ability for empathy partially helped by these neurons, we are also at-risk for emotional contagion, where we absorb the moods, emotions, and stress of others. This is why we need strong emotional boundaries to help us navigate understanding what is ours and what is not. Here is a question you can ask yourself as a check-in. Do you notice that your emotional state tends to mirror that of those you are currently with?
Protecting Our “Inner Circle”
We potentially have many groups of people in our lives. Maybe we have friends, family, acquaintances, fellow students, or coworkers to name a few. Beyond those titles, we tend to have people that we trust to hear our deepest feelings and vulnerabilities and those we do not trust or feel safe with. Emotional boundaries involve discerning who makes each group, those that you trust and those that you don’t. Sometimes it’s a tricky process to figure out who belongs in what group. People generally have to earn our trust and that can take time. Additionally, what can also happen is that a person can be someone we do trust to share our feelings, but then something happens and that person loses our trust because of a violation. So we must be discerning in making these decisions. Another method to consider is having different people we go to share different feelings. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing with people if that is the situation. Consider this question for yourself. Do you feel an “emotional hangover” or even regret after sharing your feelings or personal details with certain people?
The Emotional Fixer!
There are personality types that like to try to “fix” things for us. While their intentions may be good, that may not be what we need at the moment. In the emotional realm, this personality type comes across as an emotional caretaker instead of a supportive friend, partner, etc. Being able to allow someone else to be present with their own discomfort or consequences without feeling a compulsive need to “fix” their feelings for them is a healthy boundary to hold. Quick check-in question. Do you feel guilty when someone you love or care for is in a bad mood, even if you did nothing to cause it? Guilt, remember, is different from empathy.
Direct Expression versus Mind Reading
Chances are that everyone of us at some point in our lives has heard how important it is to communicate with people. While when it comes to emotional boundaries, communication remains important. We must be able to clearly state our needs using “I” statements and maybe even be able to state a need. For example, “I am feeling overwhelmed and need some space for a little bit.” There is the “I” statement of sharing with someone how you feel and then there is the request for what you need. We can’t expect people to read our minds, and it isn’t helpful to emotionally manipulate people to get a need met.
Recognizing Emotional Boundary Crossings
We can once again come back to the body to help us recognize when an emotional boundary has been crossed. Here are few potential somatic markers:
The "Weight" in the Chest: Feeling a heavy pressure as if you are literally carrying someone else’s burden.
Sudden Exhaustion: Feeling completely drained after a brief conversation with someone who is highly emotional.
A "Lump" in the Throat: The feeling of holding back your own emotional needs to make room for someone else's.
Buzzing or Jitters: Feeling a sense of "second-hand" anxiety that doesn't belong to you.
Remember these are just examples. Not everyone experiences these exact sensations. Everyone's experiences and bodies are different.
One last parting tip! Consider using visualization to find your Internal Sanctuary. When someone around you is projecting intense emotions towards you, imagine a soft, glowing light around your heart. This light allows love and empathy to go out, but acts as a filter that stops their "emotional noise" from coming in. If you have a yogic background or understand chakras, you might even make this light green. You can be a lighthouse for others without letting the waves crash over your own deck.
Fence painted to look like crayons of many colors. There are trees in the background and a small house.
take action today moment:
Today’s take action moment is simple! Use some of the questions above to assess your emotional boundaries. And also give the parting tip a try!
Learn More About Boundaries:
5 Steps to Better Emotional Boundaries
Good boundaries free you | Sarri Gilman | TEDxSnoIsleLibraries
References
Acharya, S., & Shukla, S. (2012). Mirror neurons: Enigma of the metaphysical modular brain. Journal of Natural Science, Biology, and Medicine, 3(2), 118–124. https://doi.org/10.4103/0976-9668.101878
Acoba, E. F. (2024). Social support and mental health: The mediating role of perceived stress. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1330720. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1330720
Cook, R., Bird, G., Catmur, C., Press, C., & Heyes, C. (2014). Mirror neurons: From origin to function. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 37(2), 177-192. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0140525X13000903