Say No for Better Mental Health
Bright lights spelling out the word no.
When children are first learning the English language, oftentimes one of their first words is the word no. They use it all the time, even when they mean yes. It seems to come out so easily. Then, somewhere along the journey of life, many of us appear to lose that seemingly effortless ‘no’. There are potentially many reasons that this happens, but that is not necessarily the focus of this post. Rather, the focus is on regaining that ability to say ‘no’ for our own mental health.
In some cultures, the expectation is that we are constantly busy and need to stay that way. Translation - say yes to almost everything so that we can maintain that appearance of being the best at handling everything! The first question that we must ask ourselves then is, is taking so much on worth it? The second question is, how is my mental health being negatively affected? Chances are the answer to the first question is no and the second question's answer is a list of consequences.
Being constantly busy may not be worth it. What is worth your time and investment is yourself! We don’t need to be the constantly busy person. Instead, we need to be ourselves and make time for the things in our life that mean something to us like self-care, friends, family, etc. Insert what means something to you here.
How do we go about using the word ‘no’ more in our lives to potentially gain better mental health and the freedom to not always be busy? We change our perspective about using the word no. First, when we say ‘no’ we may think we are letting someone else down. Which may be the case. However, that is not the whole picture. When we say ‘no’, we give others the opportunity to say ‘yes’. If we had said ‘yes’, instead of ‘no’, they may have missed an opportunity. The other perspective shift is honoring yourself to know your boundaries, limits, and what you can commit to and still do the best possible work to accomplish the task.
In no way does working to say ‘no’ more often mean that it is okay to be mean about it. Rather, it tasks us to be assertive while being clear and polite. It also asks us to be honest during the process with ourselves and potentially why we are saying ‘no’. Easier to say, to read, or to write, than to do. However, once we understand the why and get a handle on saying ‘no’, the experience becomes easier.
One important piece that needs to be said explicitly is that not everyone has the power to say ‘no’ due to safety reasons. While saying ‘no’ is important for protecting yourself and your mental health, depending on the situation, it could jeopardize your safety. In these cases, it may not be worth saying ‘no’. What does it say when we live in a world where saying ‘no’ could potentially put someone at-risk for setting boundaries and standing up for their personal rights? What does it say that sometimes the ability to say ‘no’ is a privilege? Maybe on your journey to practice saying ‘no’, consider using your ‘no’ in other ways that advocate for others and for change in the world.
Remember, NO has power! Use it to empower yourself in your journey for better mental health and to empower others with a chance to take on a project, task, etc.
take action today moment:
Give yourself the time and space to practice saying ‘no’. It may not feel natural right from the start. It may feel challenging or unsettling. So start small! Practice saying ‘no’ in more neutral or less high-stakes situations. Or even before that, practice just saying the word no in the mirror. Get used to saying the word. During this process, decide what boundaries you would like to honor by saying ‘no’ to. That may be to the next project that comes along or to a night out when you need a night in. Being able to say ‘no’ starts with understanding your boundaries. Once you feel comfortable, start saying in less neutral situations and remind yourself that when you say ‘no' that you are giving others the opportunity to say ‘yes’. That can be a great reminder when feelings of guilt arise because you held your boundaries and you are not living up to the world’s expectations that we should be constantly doing all the time. Also, remind yourself that a maybe is usually a ‘no’.