Grief and Bereavement Basics: Part 2

A single candle burning with a black background.

Hopefully last week was helpful in laying the foundation for the differences between grief, mourning, and bereavement. Now we will take that foundation and start to build on it by discussing different types of loss. We will not be able to cover all the different types between this week’s or next week’s blog post about different types of grief, but hopefully you will have learned something new and, when you or someone you know is in grief, you may be better prepared.

Losses

When you think about loss in the context of grief and mourning, where does your mind go? Does it go first to death? For many people it does. However, loss includes so much more. Here are just a few examples:

• Death

• Job loss

• Time loss

• Aging

• Life transitions

• Moving

• Immigration

• Incarceration

• Loss of culture

• Transitions

• Loss of safety

• What could have been

• Loss of traditional ceremonies

• Trauma and PTSD and inherited forms of trauma and grief (Degruy, 2017; Dia & Ressler, 2014; Menakem, 2017; Wolfelt, 2014)

It is important for us to ground in our understanding that loss does not just happen after a death for many reasons. Again, we will not cover all of them, but we will cover a few. One, when we understand that loss occurs in many different ways we begin to allow ourselves the experience of grief and loss. Two, it sets the stage for the numerous different types of grief and loss that researchers and counselors investigate and help clients within their practices, and that they will. Three we may be better able to show up for other people who are experiencing grief and loss. So let’s dive in!

Ambiguous Loss 

(Boss 2004; 2007; 2010; 2016)

There are two situations where we see this type of loss occur. The first is where the person is perceived as physically absent but psychologically present. Examples of this include:

• Divorced families

• Prisoners

• Kidnapping victims

• Missing relatives serving their country oversees

• Adoptive families

The second is when a person is physically present but perceived as psychologically absent. Examples of this include:

• Family member with Alzheimer’s disease

• Family member with a brain injury

• Family member with a chronic illness

• Family member who is psychologically unavailable due to addiction or another type of ongoing distraction or obsession

Take a moment and notice any thoughts, feelings, and/or body sensations that you experienced while reading the above examples. Seriously! Just notice without judgement.

So what are some important things to know about this type of loss?

• People can be left feeling as if they are in limbo as they struggle to understand and learn to live with the ambiguity.

• The loss can be confusing.

• The situation is indeterminate, meaning there is lack of clarity around the loss.

• People may experience frequent conflicting thoughts and emotions.

• The loss may seem temporary.

• There are no associated rituals and little validation of the loss. Rituals and validation play a role in helping us heal and move through the mourning process.

• Hope still exists that things may return to what things used to be.

• The ambiguity of the loss may mean that social networks tend to withdraw because of lack of knowledge in how to respond. That can be hard for people experiencing ambiguous loss because often people in any type of grief need support.

Nonfinite Loss (Living loss)

(Bruce & Schultz, 2002; Harris, 2020; Thompson, 2020)

Nonfinite loss is a type of loss that usually has a precipitating negative life event or episode that retains a physical and/or psychological presence with someone in an ongoing manner. Some of these types of loss have a less identifiable onset but tend to be identified by a sense of ongoing uncertainty and repeated adjustment or accommodation. What does this mean? Essentially, the loss is ongoing with no ending in sight. Often people feel like they are living outside the mainstream of what is considered normal human experience and most struggle understanding the complexity and exhaustion that arises. Furthermore, people are often left to attempt to reconcile the world that is now known through this experience and the future world that is now anticipated, which is oftentimes different from the one that was expected. Thus, the reconciliation process is usually done in solitude. Take a moment and notice any thoughts, feelings, and/or body sensations that you experienced while reading the above examples. Seriously! Just notice without judgement.

Grief and loss can be a vulnerable space whether you are experiencing it or sometimes even reading about it because it can trigger what are called grief bursts. Grief bursts are times when our grief is triggered and surfaces. Why? Because, grief is not something that we get over as we are often told, depending on your culture. Rather, we integrate it into our lives.

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take action today moment:

Grief can be a heavy topic. Take some time to reflect on what you have read and be present to your own experiences. There is more to come next week.

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Learn More About Ambiguous and Nonfinite Loss:

Unnamed pain: Coping with ambiguous loss

What Ambiguous Loss Is and How To Deal With It

Exploring Living Loss: How to Provide Support for Patients and Families

References

Boss, P. (2004). Ambiguous loss research, theory, and practice: Reflections after 9/11. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(3), 551-566.

Boss, P. (2007). Ambiguous loss theory: Challenges for scholars and practitioners. Family Relations, 56(2), 105-110.

Boss, P. (2010). The trauma and complicated grief of ambiguous loss. Pastoral Psychology, 59, 137-145.

Boss, P. (2016). The context and process of theory development: The story of ambiguous loss. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 8(3), 269-286.

Bruce, E. J., & Schultz, C. L. (2001). Nonfinite loss and grief: A psychoeducational approach. Paul H Brookes Publishing.

Degruy, J. (2017). Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome: America’s legacy of enduring injury and healing. Uptone Press.

Dias, B. G., & Ressler, K. J. (2014). Parental olfactory experience influences behavior and neural structure in subsequent generations. Nature Neuroscience, 17(1), 89-96.

Harris, D. L. (2020). Nonfinite loss: Living with ongoing loss and grief. In D. L. Harris & H. R. Howard (Eds.), Non-death loss and grief: Context and clinical implications, Principles and practice of grief counseling (3rd Edition). (pp. 139-146). Routledge.

Menakem, R. (2017). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathways to mending our hearts and bodies. Central Recovery Press.

Wolfelt, A. D. (2014). Reframing PTSD as traumatic grief: How caregivers can companion traumatized grievers through catch-up mourning. Companion Press.