Inviting Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is totally different from being self-centered or self-indulgent. These terms are often conflated and a detriment to self-compassion, and to us and our mental health. While the blog on this website has brought self-compassion before, this post really makes self-compassion the focus for inclusion in everyday life. In the dominant Western culture, self-compassion is often undervalued in favor of overworking, being self-critical, and ensuring that we become tightly wound. Today the hope is to do a little myth busting and encourage us all to invite a little bit more self-compassion in our daily lives. Much of the information in this post comes from the work of Dr. Kristin Neff who has dedicated her life to the study of self-compassion.
Self-Compassion Myths
It will undermine my motivation.
It means letting myself off the hook.
It’s just feeling sorry for myself.
It’s self-indulgent.
It’s the same as self-esteem.
It’s selfish.
It will make me soft or weak.
These are the myths listed on Neff’s (n.d.) webpage about what self-compassion is. Chances are that you have at least heard some, believe some, or know some myths. This blog post opened with a sentence about how self-compassion is not being self-centered or self-indulgent right from the start because we need to understand what myths are out there and unlearn them. Before we do, let’s look at what self-compassion is.
Self-Compassion
Dr. Neff (n.d., 2023) offered up three different elements of self-compassion. The descriptions are in my words.
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgement
This is exactly what it sounds like. We show kindness to ourselves instead of beating ourselves up with self-criticism or self-judgement. A common phrase that I hear around this topic is about treating yourself as you would a friend. For example, if a friend was suffering you would not make your friend feel worse by judging them, giving them a lecture, or reminding them how often they make mistakes. Of course you wouldn’t! You would treat your friend with kindness and remind them that everyone makes mistakes, which leads us to the next element.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation
We are human, which means that we are not perfect, we do make mistakes. We are often told that we have to be perfect in some cultures, that making a mistake is the worst and if we do we are not worthy. Thus, we end up with perfectionistic mentalities. We are not the only people that make mistakes. It happens to all of us! We are not alone, and, yet, we feel like we are often because of the messages that we receive from the environment or social media. People often only post the best of themselves, not the mistakes they make. Additionally, we are not the only ones who suffer. We all feel pain, again, though some cultures ask us to hide that. For example, when someone asks us how we are doing, the polite social answer is to say doing well even if we are not.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
If you read my blog post last week about mindfulness, you had the opportunity to hear more about this topic in depth. As a brief reminder, mindfulness allows us to be present to what is happening in the moment rather than “over-identifying” with our feelings and thoughts thus us taking along a ride of negativity. In more direct terms, we are present to our pain and not defined or attached to it.
Self-Compassion Truths
So now we come back to the truths of self-compassion Dr. Neff (n.d., 2011).
It will undermine my motivation. → Self-compassion inspires a learning and growth mindset.
It means letting myself off the hook. → Self-compassion allows us to take responsibility for our mistakes and attempt to repair the mistake.
It’s just feeling sorry for myself. → Self-compassion allows us to actually shift our focus from the self, allowing us to better access perspective-taking, and find connection when we are struggling.
It’s self-indulgent. → Caring about ourselves makes us more apt to face discomfort for ourselves.
It’s the same as self-esteem. → Self-compassion does not have as much association with comparisons and does not hang as much on appearance, social approval, or successful performance. Rather, people who actively engage in self-compassion have a more stable sense of self-worth constantly.
It’s selfish. → When we allow compassion toward ourselves, we have more available resources to be there for other people.
It will make me soft or weak. → When you build yourself up you do not tear yourself to pieces. You instead remind yourself that you are capable of many things. Self-compassion allows us to face challenging circumstances (Allen & Leary, 2010).
A stone bench with the word compassion written on it. In the background are trees, grass, and a group of people.
take action today moment:
Invite self-compassion into your life! What role has self-compassion played in your life? What role could it play in your life? Think about whether you had self-compassion role modeled to you or not? Then consider trying one of the practices suggested below in Dr. Neff’s website or any of the others. See how self-compassion can change your life!
Learn More About self-compassion:
Self-Compassion - Dr. Kristen Neff
How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips
Kristin Neff: The Three Components of Self-Compassion (YouTube)
How to Practice Self-Compassion (YouTube Video)
References
Allen, A. B., & Leary, M. R. (2010). Self‐Compassion, stress, and coping. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 4(2), 107-118. doi:10.1111/j.1751-9004.2009.00246.x
Neff, K. (n.d.). What is self-compassion?: Myths of about self-compassion. https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/#myths-about-self-compassion
Neff, K. (n.d.). What is self-compassion?: The elements of self-compassion. https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/#the-elements-of-self-compassion
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self‐compassion, self‐esteem, and well‐being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x
Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74(1), 193-218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420- 031047