Are You Really Listening?

Two people looking at something outside of the picture.

What happens in your body when you read the title of this blog post? What goes on in your mind? What reactions do you have? The hope is that you have or had some type of reaction. Why? Because we are generally taught from an early age how to listen, and we think that we have it down pretty well into adulthood. Though, it may not be the case that we have the practice of listening down in adulthood. Today’s post might challenge what we think we know about listening with a very important purpose that we will discover at the end.

What are we generally taught? We are taught that listening is taking in what someone else says to us. From a communication perspective, there is responsibility on the part of the communicator and the person listening to make sure the meaning comes across clearly. There are also the different communication styles passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. If you would like to learn more about the different communication styles, please see below for a link to read more. So we do learn a lot about communication and listening! That isn’t the issue. What we don’t practice, learn, or embody is the human element of listening and communication.

Here are a few differences that we need to cover before moving on to delve deeper into listening.

Hearing

When we are hearing someone we are simply taking in the words that they are saying without much thought, awareness, or attention. We can easily hear what someone is saying or think we are hearing what someone is saying. The key takeaways from understanding hearing are that we simply take words in and we think we hear what someone else is saying.

Listening

When we are listening we take it one step further and not only hear what someone is saying but we are also active in the process versus passive. We are processing what is being shared and we take action based on what we hear. We strive to understand what someone is trying to convey and respond to or reflect what is being shared. The key takeaways here are that listening is active and there is engagement of both the speaker and listener.

Deep Listening

Deep listening is something altogether different. Deep listening builds on active listening and embeds other skills, such as empathy and compassion. Additionally, one understands that there is a need to be aware of body language in conjunction with the verbal and strives to identify the emotion and feeling behind what is being shared. Sounds like a tall order! That’s because it is. This type of listening is challenging for a few reasons. One is because we tend to react instead of act. Another is because we bring our past patterns around listening into the present moment. And third, we bring our traumas into interactions. Most of this happens unconsciously which makes it hard to identify. The key takeaways about deep listening are that this type of listening means that we are fully engaging with others, looking for what is being conveyed beneath the words, and actively bringing our human abilities of empathy and compassion

In today’s world we are so busy worrying about everything we have to accomplish or ensuring that our agendas are met. In that worry, something is lost - the value of connection and the value of someone else. If we start to listen deeply instead of hearing or actively listening we may just find that tense situations may not escalate, we find out that someone is hurting, or that we have a kindred spirit, to name a few potentialities. There are potentially many others that exist and we will experience them in the process. Hopefully, we all consider giving deep listening a try. What if we all engage in deep listening? What might a world look like?

take action today moment:

Here are a couple suggestions to help you begin the process of exploring deep listening. Take ego out of the picture. Again, this can be easier said than done because our ego can demand a lot of attention. In deep listening, maybe consider giving it a break. Another thought is do some work to learn more about your wounds and traumas around communication and listening. We often don’t think about these wounds and traumas, but they do get activated in interactions. Seek out a trusted support individual, therapist, or do some self-reflection.

Remember to invite self-compassion in this process. This practice may be challenging at first and you may make mistakes. That is okay. It is about continuing to practice.